the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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