woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
These tits shall not be calmed
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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