well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize