Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
