You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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