I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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