My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
