Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
