Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
