yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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