What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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