grandma shit on top of the toilet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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