Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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