i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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