I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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