...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
