Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
