The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
