So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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