i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
