I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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