i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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