my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
