five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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