Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
