fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize