Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
