I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
