dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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