She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
