Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
