if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
