im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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