just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
