I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize