After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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