On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Randomize
