Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
