Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
