Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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