Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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