Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
