Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
