your parents love me but you hate me
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
