either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
