You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
