He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
