Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to sanitize my soul.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
