I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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