I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And then he peed in my hair
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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