Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
