I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
