I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
