So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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