Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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