So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
