he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
